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I have gotten lazy.  Or – maybe I’ve gotten honest.  I’ve decided that either is OK.  I haven’t been as focused and disciplined with my intentional appreciations and I”m wondering how the heck Julie Powell created some 564 highly complicatedcooking creation from Julia Childe’s cookbook in a year. I’m in awe of that accomplishment (in case you don’t know what I’m talking about google the “Julie & Julia project”).  I was dreading to post to say I have “fallen off the wagon” and amidst my inner critic’s tongue lashing for being inconsistent , I had a moment of discovery worth sharing.

Appreciation of self is equally as important as giving the props away.  Our dog of almost 17 years passed last week and the grief over loosing him has been far more intense than I could have imagined or predicted.  I feel as if I have lost a best friend who always gave me pure love and attention at all hours of the day, all day long.  I feel that way because I have – because it is a loss – and my strongest instinct wants to honor that.  I feel that way because I miss him.  My emotions are all over the place and my focus has been less than stellar.  So, this week, I have allowed myself to cry in the most unexpected places (at the gym, at a party, in the shower, coming home, leaving, in the PortAJohn of my daughter’s softball game…) and I haven’t FELT like doing certain things that normally come naturally.  So I guess I haven’t – been “normal”, that is.  And I have to say, it feels better to accept it all with grace instead of trying to force a distraction or something false.

This week, the lesson has been in receiving support – in allowing those whom love me to offer their time, their energy, their love.  And, somehow in the midst of my week, quite by surprise, someone at “Entrepreneur School” (through Rutgers U) sent me a glowing note about my presentation.   He had no idea how well-timed HIS appreciation was and the significance of the photo he sent as a gift (he is a professional photographer).  The photo shows the Sydney opera house with a rainbow just after a storm.  My clients know that I like to compare emotions to storms – they can have strong intensity but they pass if you allow them permission needed.  The rainbow is of course the universal sign of hope….So, I’m left with both – the rain-bursts AND the rainbow and I am choosing to be mutually accepting of it all.  Maybe I didn’t appreciate out-loud as intentionally as weeks prior to loosing Moses, but perhaps a greater lesson was learned by accident and when I left the plan behind.

I remember a trust-building activity in which we had to climb a tall pole with small rungs to walk across a narrow beam to another pole.  There was a large safety net underneath us but the obvious goal was to get across and feel invigorated by overcoming the fear.  After a first successful try, I was specifically instructed to “do it differently” the 2nd time.  I went up with an intention of falling instead of crossing.  It was far more difficult to “let go” of the perceived goal, but also provided me with the most learning.  Falling down means we know we will get back up again.  Today I am appreciating giving myself full permission to feel my feelings deeply and see where it leads…

how valuable out-loud, direct, focused and detailed appreciations could mean to another person….My sister and I dropped off our daughters to camp on Sunday and towards the end of a nice hike in the woods afterwards, I got to spend focused, un-interrupted time sharing with her just how meaningful she is to me.  Wow – it was emotional for both of us.  I had no idea how much she was at a time in her journey when she NEEDED to hear this from someone who loved her.  I was blown away by the impact and relevance of this sharing and realized how lasting that memory will be for both of us now.  

So the beat goes on…it is starting to come more naturally this “art” of appreciating – it is like ice cream – I don’t want to stop!  And, I will also confess that when my own heart is heavy, it becomes more of a challenge.  I am grieving the impending loss of my dog soon and I am bereft and sick with grief.  I feel like I am moving slowly through thick emotional “mud”. So, like other times in life, my own compass is altered and a pity-party could ensue.  For the simple fact that I have made this commitment, I am grateful for the mechanism requiring me to continue to look outward.  I’m appreciating a sharing from a fellow coach recently on a training call - “Through reflection comes direction. “

June 30

I promise a lot of things to a lot of people but not always to myself.  During the month of July, I hope to set into my “habit memory” the act of intentional appreciation.  Research proves that healthy relationships have a 5:1 ratio of appreciations: criticisms.  I spend a lot of time appreciating in my head and not out-loud.  I notice the glow on another’s face when I speak words of truth that honor that person’s value and I believe it is a powerful and worthwhile gift (not to mention it is free and easy!) .  I believe we are all closer to God, the “Divine”, Source or Spirit (or anything else you may want to call it) when we are honoring the beauty of another’s contribution.

July 7

A full week of intentional appreciations! It has been enlightening and keeps getting better.  If we do something a full 21 days, it becomes habit so I am one week closer to the goal.  Here are a few things I have learned ONE WEEK “IN”:

• “Surprise” appreciations are everywhere but we don’t take advantage of them enough!  My friends Richard & Pete are neighbors and inspirational in their capacity to love each other and their circle of friends.  I toasted to their one week engagement anniversary and their exemplary model to love, love, love and then love more generously some more.  Then, there was my first of many “uncharted”/surprise appreciations.  The piano player at the bar looked so much like my former husband (18 years ago) that I was flooded with sweet memories from our past.  He too is a talented musician and was playing guitar when we first met.  I thanked this hugely gifted piano player for the gift of his music but also for the gift of taking me back in time (yes I am not afraid to scare strangers if it is coming from a positive intention.)
• Seeking out opportunities for appreciation  puts you into a “receiving” place so the universe seems to honor that and gives you abundance.  I met an elderly lady by the pool who introduced herself because she heard one of us say “New Jersey” and she was born in Newark.  She insisted on buying me a beer and shared the name of my deceased and beloved grandmother, Harriet.  We were fast friends and I made a point of telling her that I loved that she and her girlfriend still cruised as widows together; keeping tradition alive after losing their husbands.  My mom doesn’t know it yet but I hope we connect with Harriet when my mom visits and we go into NYC (to see the show of my former husband no less – see how cool it all comes together?) The next day we met more new friends who happened to want some coaching and were amazing wine connoisseurs…we had dinner with them and it was lovely.
• Appreciation is received differently…Last night, I laid in bed with each of my daughters separately to fully appreciate them.  One of them instantly insisted it doing the same back to me so it was an instant love-fest.  The other asked “why am I in trouble?”

As I speak with parents and lead workshops on “Encouragement”, I am increasingly fascinated by creative ways other parents engage their kids in sharing or spending quality time together.  As we launch into summer and will all be with our kids or ourselves more, I’d love for this FIRST ever blog to be a forum where folks share ideas for how you are ENJOYING your kids this summer?  At the dinner table last night, I created a game called “hot seat” (I have a teen daughter who is quite reluctant to give up any details of her life these days…).  We take turns being the person in the “hot seat” who is asked any question by each of the other family members.   It gave me great insight as to what my kids are curious about with everyone else (hello sex education! “No, a “g string” is not part of a tampon nor a type of birth control!) AND allowed me to ask questions to them on a deeper more thought-provoking level…..all while having FUN!  If you aren’t a parent, what do you remember from your childhood as being a meaningful activity, ritual or way of spending time together? Do tell!  ”When children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.” (Anonymous)

Check out Sydney’s STEP (Systematic Technique for Effective Parenting) Course in the news!