Inward and upward…

I have gotten lazy.  Or – maybe I’ve gotten honest.  I’ve decided that either is OK.  I haven’t been as focused and disciplined with my intentional appreciations and I”m wondering how the heck Julie Powell created some 564 highly complicatedcooking creation from Julia Childe’s cookbook in a year. I’m in awe of that accomplishment (in case you don’t know what I’m talking about google the “Julie & Julia project”).  I was dreading to post to say I have “fallen off the wagon” and amidst my inner critic’s tongue lashing for being inconsistent , I had a moment of discovery worth sharing.

Appreciation of self is equally as important as giving the props away.  Our dog of almost 17 years passed last week and the grief over loosing him has been far more intense than I could have imagined or predicted.  I feel as if I have lost a best friend who always gave me pure love and attention at all hours of the day, all day long.  I feel that way because I have – because it is a loss – and my strongest instinct wants to honor that.  I feel that way because I miss him.  My emotions are all over the place and my focus has been less than stellar.  So, this week, I have allowed myself to cry in the most unexpected places (at the gym, at a party, in the shower, coming home, leaving, in the PortAJohn of my daughter’s softball game…) and I haven’t FELT like doing certain things that normally come naturally.  So I guess I haven’t – been “normal”, that is.  And I have to say, it feels better to accept it all with grace instead of trying to force a distraction or something false.

This week, the lesson has been in receiving support – in allowing those whom love me to offer their time, their energy, their love.  And, somehow in the midst of my week, quite by surprise, someone at “Entrepreneur School” (through Rutgers U) sent me a glowing note about my presentation.   He had no idea how well-timed HIS appreciation was and the significance of the photo he sent as a gift (he is a professional photographer).  The photo shows the Sydney opera house with a rainbow just after a storm.  My clients know that I like to compare emotions to storms – they can have strong intensity but they pass if you allow them permission needed.  The rainbow is of course the universal sign of hope….So, I’m left with both – the rain-bursts AND the rainbow and I am choosing to be mutually accepting of it all.  Maybe I didn’t appreciate out-loud as intentionally as weeks prior to loosing Moses, but perhaps a greater lesson was learned by accident and when I left the plan behind.

I remember a trust-building activity in which we had to climb a tall pole with small rungs to walk across a narrow beam to another pole.  There was a large safety net underneath us but the obvious goal was to get across and feel invigorated by overcoming the fear.  After a first successful try, I was specifically instructed to “do it differently” the 2nd time.  I went up with an intention of falling instead of crossing.  It was far more difficult to “let go” of the perceived goal, but also provided me with the most learning.  Falling down means we know we will get back up again.  Today I am appreciating giving myself full permission to feel my feelings deeply and see where it leads…